His secret hideout
by thewrittenwordonly
Summary: Patrick needed to find some strength, before he could face the world again.
1. Chapter 1

Patrick was very well aware of Lisbon following him with her eyes, as he left the conference room. He tried to smile some more, while walking away from his colleagues, tried to be happy and cheerful. As least as long as there were other people around, as long as he could be seen and heard.

"Benjamin", he thought. "A boy. Rigsby has a little boy. Thank god it's a boy."

He knew, it was not right of him to think like that but he couldn't help it. He was really glad it was a boy and not a girl. A girl would remind him too much of his own little sunshine.

All those thoughts crossed his mind als he ascended the steps to his secret hideout in the attic. He wasn't hungry anymore, he had totally forgotten about the closed case pizza that was waiting downstairs. He just wanted to be alone for a while. He needed to think it all through, to sort his thoughts and to find some strength before facing the world again.

After entering the dark room, he slowly made it to the window, carefully trying not to trip over anything. He leaned against the wall next to the window and sighed heavily.

"Benjamin." The name buzzed around his head and as soon as he closed his eyes he saw the small picture again. The small picture of Benjamin, Rigsby had sent his colleagues. The picture, that reminded him of every other baby, because all babies kind of looked the same. Just like his daughter had looked like.

Patrick turned around to sit down on his chair before he dediced to let the memories of his daughter out of their boxes in his head.


	2. Chapter 2

"Daddy! Daddy! Look what I've found"!

Charlotte was jumping up and down in front of him with her hands closed about something. Patrick didn't know what she wanted to show him und was slightly afraid of a huge spider or an ugly bug crawling around his daughter's small hands. Since she wasn't afraid of anything, you never knew what to expect.

"What's in your hands, sweetie?" Patrick tried to hide his concerns and looked at her expectantly. He tuck a strand of her blonde hair behind her right ear and waited patiently until she would calm down and show him her surprise.

Patrick lay on his makeshift bed in the attic and slowly opened his eyes. He sighed heavily as he became aware of his surroundings and tried to concentrate on reality again. A glance on his cellphone told him that he had spent almost two hours up here alone with the ghosts of his past.

After Rigsb's joyful announcement of being a dad to newborn Benjamin, he couldn't stay with his colleagues any longer. He needed some time for himself and his memories.

He was thinking about the day his daughter was born, the pure joy he felt when he had held her for the first time, his fear of not being good enough as a dad, the nights he had spent in his daughter's room to make sure she was okay and still breathing.

More and more memories of his five years with her had come to his mind and though they were painful, he enjoyed thinking about her so deeply. But he needed to stop now. He needed to concentrate on something else before he made it to that day eight years ago his daughter's little heart had stopped beating forever. He couldn't think about that right now.

Just as he wanted to get up from bed, he heard someone knocking on the door. Since only Lisbon knew about his secret hideout, chances were high, it was her.

"Come in", he said, as he moved himself to a sitting position.

"Hey", Lisbon started, as he was walking towards him. "I was wondering if you wanted some pizza. I know, it's cold now, but you must be hungry". She looked at him carefully and put on a concerned face when she recognized the traces of his crying earlier. Before she could say anything else, Patrick answered: "Yeah, thank you. I am hungry and I'm looking forward to a slice of cold pizza. I'll be down in a few seconds."


	3. Chapter 3

To Patrick's surprise, Lisbon walked towards the window, took a long look outside and finally turned around to face him. "Maybe", she started, but instead of finishing her sentence she cleared her throat and took a deep breath.

"Do you wanna talk about it? About your feelings over Rigsby being a dad, over Benjamin and your daughter?"

Again, Patrick was surprised. Lisbon had encouraged him to talk about his past a few times before, but never that clearly and with so many words. Usually it was only a glance not difficult to interpret and when he wouldn't give in, she never pressed any further. Sometimes, she had asked how he was doing, especially on days like birthdays or his wedding anniversary. But, until today, she had never asked him to talk about his past. Never.

All those thoughts were wandering around his mind while he watched Lisbon, who had turned around again to look outside into the night. And then he decided to be honest for once:

"I'm afraid if I start talking, I won't be able to stop anymore".

Still facing outside, she answered "It's okay, we have time."

That's when he started to talk. About his feelings over Benjamin and Charlotte, his not being able to visit their house anymore because of the pain that would cause. But mostly he talked about his daughter, he told her almost everything he had dreamt about earlier.

He didn't talk about the murder, about his feeling of being guilty or his constant sleeping problems. She knew those things all too well, he knew that she kept a copy of the murder file in the top drawer in her desk and looked over it regularly. That's why she always remembered birthdays and anniversaries. It was time to talk about some happy times, to share some really good memories with his best friend.

While he was talking, Lisbon stayed right next to the window and watched him carefully. She never interrupted him, she never even moved an inch, she listened intently and watched him as emotions crossed his face.

After he had finished, they both stayed silent for a while. Slowly, Patrick's smile was fading and when he finally closed his eyes, Lisbon moved away from the window and carefully sat down next to him on his bed.

"Thanks for sharing your memories with me", she whispered.

He only nodded as a response, the lump in his throat was too big to speak. But he forced himself to look at her, to show her his gratefulness for letting him talk and listening. As he managed a small smile, Lisbon took his left hand in hers and said, with tears in her eyes: "I'm glad you've finally opened up a bit."

They sat in silence for a long while, the only movement was Lisbon's thumb stroking over Jane's left hand. When he was finally ready to speak again, he thanked her for listening and then asked about the leftover pizza. Lisbon gave him a small smile and encouraged him to get up with a nod.

They were still holding hands while walking ouf of his secret hideout.


End file.
